Navigating Endings: Conversations, Grief, and Sustainable Change
The last two weeks we reflected on:
- Internal Resistance
- External Resistance
This week, we’ll finish our series with the remaining chapters in Dr. Henry Cloud’s Necessary Endings. Each of the remaining chapters contains valuable insights, and paired with reflection, they’re designed to get you on your journey to achieving your own “better.”
Chapters 10-14
- No More Mr. Bad Guy: The Magic of Self-Selection
- Having the Conversation: Strategies for Ending Things Well
- Embrace the Grief: The Importance of Metabolizing Necessary Endings
- Sustainability: Taking Inventory of What Is Depleting Your Resources
- Conclusion: It’s All About the Future
Let’s begin with the end in mind, as Dr. Cloud does in his final chapter: It’s All About the Future.
How do these words resonate with you?
Dr. Henry Cloud
Your next step always depends on two ingredients:
- how well you are maximizing where you are right now and
- how ready you are to do what is necessary to get to the next place.
Personally, I can’t say I’ve always consciously lived this way, but as I look back on my life, it couldn’t have turned out better. From making the tough decision to stop chasing promotions to focusing on meaningful work, this journey has been painful at times but more than worth it.
This mindset led me to become a certified coach, doing work I love and traveling as I go. In fact, this series was written during my 4.5 month journey through Asia and Europe. You can check out my travel blog if you’re curious.
As for my rosebush (as we’ve used this metaphor throughout the series), at this point in my life it looks pretty close to this.
What does the rosebush of your life look like at the moment?
What’s the one small step you can take today to start pruning for full bloom?
So let’s dig into some more reasons that might keep us from making the necessary endings in our lives.
No More Mr. Bad Guy: The Magic of Self-Selection
One of the reasons we avoid necessary endings is the fear of being the “bad guy.” I’ve been there too. Dr. Cloud’s self-selection strategy offers a solution.
Rather than shouldering the burden of ending something, you can create a framework that sets a standard with a clear timeframe for the other person or yourself. This allows the other person—or even yourself—to choose whether to meet that standard. It shifts the dynamic from confrontation to empowerment.
In what of your own situations could this approach help you to get unstuck?
What standard and timeframe would you set for yourself or others?
Having the Conversation: Strategies for Ending Things Well
Ending things well requires tough conversations. Dr. Cloud outlines some key strategies:
- Begin with the End in Mind
- Balance Care and Truth
- Practice and Role-Play if necessary
- Set the Tone right
- Validate the Person and the Relationship
- Get Agreement
I’ve also found
- Radical Candor by Kim Scott and
- Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler, to be helpful resources in navigating these tough conversations.
What situation in your life might call for a critical conversation?
Embrace the Grief: The Importance of Metabolizing Necessary Endings
Dr. Cloud reminds us that anything we do is an investment of energy. Therefore when we end something, we need to reclaim the energy we invested, so that it’s available for us to move forward. The way we do that is through the grieving process, which, as we learn from Dr. Andrew Huberman’s in his podcast episode The Science & Process of Healing from Grief has forward movement attached to it, since it is not just a state of pain but also one of desire—reaching for something that is no longer within our grasp.
Let’s look at the neuroscience behind it a bit closer. Our brains map our emotional attachment to people and situations through three dimensions: space, time, and emotional closeness. A specific brain region is responsible for interpreting how far away someone or something is in these three areas, influencing how we process their absence.
Even when we know intellectually that a person or situation is no longer accessible, our brains don’t simply erase the connections we’ve built over time. Instead, they continue to generate expectations of how to interact with that person or situation, creating a gap between what we know and what we feel.
To heal from grief, we must go through the challenging process of reordering this internal map.
The other concept Dr. Cloud introduces in this chapter is the need to “metabolize” necessary endings. We need to process them, do a post mortem, so that we avoid repeating the same patterns over and over again, and to get ready for what lies ahead.
What situations are you ending, or planning to end and first need to reclaim some energy?
Where do you need to process, learn, and prepare for what’s next?
Sustainability: Taking Inventory of What Is Depleting Your Resources
In this chapter, Dr. Cloud warns against resource depletion. Whether it’s emotional, physical, relational, or financial, if we keep investing in things that drain us, we’ll burn out.
What situations in your life are eating up your emotional, physical, relational, spiritual, or financial resources?
Sometimes we take on commitments meant to be temporary, but when we continue beyond their intended season, they start to drain us. What was once manageable turns into an ongoing depletion of our emotional, physical, or financial resources.
What seasons in your life have turned into unsustainable patterns?
When do you think you’ll reach your limit? Is it a matter of months, a year, or more?
If that question brings a sense of urgency, it might be time to reassess your next steps and make room for the necessary endings that will move you forward.
This week we focused on:
- Self-Selection
- Having Difficult Conversations
- Embracing Grief
- Sustainability
And just like that, we’ve reached the end of our Change Reflection Series.
Over the past ten weeks, we’ve explored tough questions, embraced self-reflection, and hopefully uncovered new insights—about where you are, where you want to be, and maybe even the first steps to get there.
But reflection is just the beginning. If you’ve identified areas where you feel stuck or depleted, remember—you don’t have to navigate this alone. I’d love to walk alongside you on your journey.
Reach out for your free coaching consultation, and let’s explore your next steps together.
Additional Resources
- The Science & Process of Healing from Grief, Huberman Labs Podcast
- Radical Candor by Kim Scott.
- Crucial Conversations by by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler
With gratitude, Renate
Written with ❤️ in Chiang Mai 🇹🇭