Overcoming Internal and External Barriers
The last two weeks we reflected on:
- Understanding and Creating Urgency
- Strategies for Maintaining Urgency
Even after exploring how to create urgency and strategies to sustain it, many of us still find ourselves held back by resistance. This week, we’ll dive into the internal fears and external challenges that often keep us stuck and how to tackle them head-on, guided by Chapter 9 in Dr. Henry Cloud’s book “Necessary Endings”:
Resistance: How to Tackle Internal and External Barriers
This week's focus areas:
- Internal Resistance
- External Resistance
Internal Resistance
Have you ever felt like you’re your own worst enemy? You’re in good company. Dr. Cloud offers us insights into different types of internal resistance, and hopefully some reflection can help us to bring awareness, which is always the first step.
Incompatible wishes
The issue here is that sometimes we want two or more things that are in conflict, but aren’t consciously aware of that. Let me use some of Dr. Cloud’s examples to illustrate:
- “I want to invest my money, and I want that new car."
- "I want to achieve more toward some of my goals, but I want more time off."
- "I want to eat all the brownies, and I want to fit into my jeans.” You get the point.
Now, reflect on your current situations or relationships where you feel stuck.
Which desires are in conflict with each other?
Which ones are you willing to let go of?
Accepting that we can’t have it all is a tough, but necessary, realization. Revisiting the strategies from the previous article on Creating Urgency and Motivation may help you feel empowered to let go of one conflicting desire in favor of moving forward.
Attachment to Certain outcomes
Many years ago, my first coach gave me a card with a quote I’ve carried with me ever since: “Be open to outcome, not attached to it.” This piece of wisdom has resonated with me through countless situations, and I’ve shared with many. When I’ve been able to embrace this mindset, life has often surprised me with better outcomes than I could have planned for myself, and when C.S. Lewis words come true “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”
Take a moment to reflect on your current situation.
What particular outcome are you not willing to give up?
What do you see when you allow yourself for a moment to be open to other possibilities?
Medicating thoughts
Dr. Cloud offers insights into how we “medicate” our resistance:
- “I might need that” or “I will miss that"
- "I’ll do it later"
- "Selective Memory”
They’re all fairly self-explanatory and something most of us have likely used at times. So let’s dive right into reflection.
What are you unwilling to part with because you "might need it later"?
What opportunities become visible when you imagine the situation without that item or behavior?
What are you putting off, telling yourself you'll "do it later"?
How would your situation change if you took action now? What needs to happen to make that possible?
Selective memory can be tricky. Sometimes, we only remember the positives of a situation and overlook the negatives, keeping us stuck. Dr. Cloud’s example of a woman staying in an unfulfilling relationship—focusing on the good while ignoring the fact that her partner is often unavailable—perfectly illustrates this.
Where in your life are you focusing only on the positives and ignoring the negatives?
What do you notice when you take off those rose-colored glasses?
Healthy relationships and situations require us to see the whole picture, the good and the bad. This doesn’t mean we should give up on imperfect situations—perfection doesn’t exist, we’re all human after all. What it does mean though, is that for healthy relationships and situations, we need to learn to love and accept the positive and negative, “…warts and all…”, as Dr. Cloud puts it.
What "warts" do you need to learn to accept in your situation?
How would acceptance free you to focus on what matters most?
External Resistance
Not all resistance is internal. Often, external factors—particularly other people—can stand in our way. Dr. Cloud identifies three types of external resisters:
- Self-Absorbed Resisters: Those who benefit from the status quo and fear change.
- Threatened Resisters: People who feel personally challenged by your change because they wish they had the courage to do the same.
- The NoNos: People who are simply resistant to change, no matter what.
Using strategies like “playing the movie forward” from the previous article can help with the first two groups. However, for the “NoNos,” Dr. Cloud advises disengaging—they’re unlikely to change their minds, and trying to convince them can be fruitless.
Let’s take a moment to reflect on whether there are external resistors in your life.
Who in your personal or professional life is resisting the change you need to make?
How do their resistance patterns (e.g., self-absorbed, threatened, or unyielding) influence your ability to move forward?
What steps can you take to either engage with or disengage from their resistance?
As always, if you’d like support as you work through these difficult reflections, it would be my honor to walk with you on this journey. Reach out for your free coaching consultation.
The last two week we focused on:
- Internal Resistance
- External Resistance
Coming up next:
Summary Difficult Conversations, Embracing Grief, and Sustainable Change
With gratitude, Renate
Written with ❤️ in Chiang Mai 🇹🇭