Previously we reflected on:
Today on our journey towards our personal necessary endings and our own “better”, we’re trying to rewrite the internal maps that keep us stuck, and turn pain into growth.
Life and business involve two kinds of pain: productive pain, like pruning a rosebush, which leads to growth, and unproductive pain, a chronic ache that might feel like the “new normal.” We often become so used to this misery that we accept it, even when change is within our control. Neuroscience shows that our brains can reinforce these stuck patterns, but it also offers hope: new pathways can be built to break free.
Our reflections this week are inspired by Chapter 4 of Dr. Henry Cloud’s Necessary Endings:
When Stuck Is the New Normal: The Difference Between Pain with a Purpose and Pain for No Good Reason
The Two Types of Pain
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Pain with a Purpose: This is the discomfort associated with growth, change, or discipline. It is temporary and leads to better outcomes, such as achieving goals or building healthier relationships. This type of pain comes with hope, clear goals, and tangible improvements over time.
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Pain for No Good Reason: This is ongoing suffering caused by staying in harmful or stagnant situations. It lacks purpose and prevents meaningful progress despite continued effort.
What situations or relationships are causing you pain in your life? What type of pain is it?
We want to embrace productive, purposeful pain—the type that moves us toward our goals.
And we want to do something about unproductive pain—the type we endure for no good reason, keeping us away from our “better.”
Getting Unstuck from Unproductive Pain
There are two concepts for us to consider:
- Pain is a signal that something is wrong and requires action. But if we’ve gotten so used to it, we may perceive it as normal and no longer register it as wrong.
- Sometimes we’re stuck for external reasons. But more often, what’s preventing us from executing our necessary endings are internal reasons.
What situations or relationships in your life do you feel stuck in? What's keeping you from executing a necessary ending?
Here’s the good news: When the cause is internal, it’s within our control to change it! With focus and effort, we can literally rewire our brains and change how we think. Dr. Andrew Huberman explains this beautifully in his podcast episode How to Focus to Change Your Brain, especially in the section Circumstances for Brain Change.
Looking to the past can often help us with the future. With that in mind, let’s reflect on the following:
What past pain helped you grow and left you better on the other side? On the flip side, what has stopped you from making a necessary ending in the past?
Internal Maps
As we said before, what often keeps us stuck are our own mental models or internal maps. So let’s start there. Dr. Cloud outlines five common internal maps that often block us from making necessary endings:
Dr. Cloud on Internal Maps
- Having an Abnormally High Pain Threshold
- Covering for Others
- Believing That Ending It Means I Failed
- Misunderstood Loyalty
- Codependent Mapping
If you’re interested in learning more about Internal Maps, you can get a lot more details on these different types in Chapter 4 of Dr. Cloud’s book.
For our purposes this list is a good starting point to ask ourselves:
What internal maps do you recognize in your own life that stop you from executing necessary endings?
How would things change if you gave yourself permission to stop accepting the patterns or beliefs that keep you stuck? What could letting go open up for you?
It’s no surprise that our internal maps are shaped by our past experiences. The more painful the endings we’ve endured or the more dysfunctional maps we’ve developed, the harder we may have to work against them now.
What painful past endings come to mind? How do they influence your choices today?
These are challenging questions, but the goal is to increase your awareness of the old maps that keep you stuck. Once you recognize them, you can begin making your necessary endings and constructing a new reality, so that you too can resonate with C.S. Lewis’ words:
There are far far better things ahead than any we leave behind.
As always, if you’d like support as you work through these difficult reflections, it would be my honor to walk with you on this journey. Reach out for your free coaching consultation.
Next week, we’ll dive into the good side of Hopelessness, inspired by Chapter 5 and 6 of Necessary Endings.
With gratitude, Renate
Written with ❤️ in Vienna 🇦🇹