Embracing Hopelessness to Face Reality
Last week we reflected on:
- The difference between Good and Bad pain, and identifying where we are in our lives
- Internal maps—our past experiences—and how to recognize their influence
- The empowering neuroscience behind rewiring our brains
With these insights, let’s dive into the next couple of chapters from Dr. Henry Cloud’s Necessary Endings:
Chapters 5 and 6
- Getting to the Pruning Moment: Realistic, Hopeless, and Motivated
- Hoping Versus Wishing: The Difference Between What’s Worth Fixing and What Should End
This week we'll focus on
- The transformative power of facing reality
- Exploring when hopelessness is good
- How to determine if our hope is real
The Power of Facing Reality
Reality can be subjective, shaped by our experiences, culture, and even our daily mood. Yet, there’s immense power in confronting “real” reality.
Why is it so important to grasp this true version of reality? Dr. Henry Cloud reminds us that “facing reality provides urgency and motivation”.
So how do we create this sense of urgency and motivation to move toward a better future?
There are three key components:
- A Life View that Accepts Seasons
- Recognizing a Pruning Moment
- Giving up hope that the old is going to work
In previous weeks we’ve already laid the groundwork for a life view that accepts seasons:
Remember, our brains are wired to fit these internal maps, so it’s critical to keep adjusting them to reality. But reality is very subjective, and we’re caught in our own reality. So how do we even know when it is time to prune?
Our lives are shaped by countless experiences, and regularly reflecting on our past can provide valuable insights for our current situations.
What past experiences can guide you through a situation where you feel stuck right now?
If you don’t have any past experiences yourself, your network might provide valuable insights.
Who in your network might have experiences that could help in your current situation?
Is Hopelessness Good or Bad?
Now, let’s explore the surprising idea that letting go of hope—when it’s false hope—is essential for progress.
Wait—giving up hope? Isn’t hope supposed to be a good thing?
Well, yes and no. Hope can buy us time to achieve something, but the wrong kind of hope—false hope—can also waste time. When we cling to something unlikely to succeed, we’re missing opportunities to pursue paths that could work.
This is where hopelessness becomes helpful. Recognizing false hope leads us to “good hopelessness,” which helps us face reality. And often, it’s not about abandoning what we hope for but being open to changing how we achieve it.
What situation or relationship hasn’t progressed, despite your best efforts?
What are you truly hoping for in this situation? If you let go of your current approach, what other possibilities could emerge?
However, we shouldn’t give up hope if there are real, objective reasons to believe more time will make a difference. So how do we know if we’re stuck in false hope, or if there’s a legitimate chance for success?
Is Our Hope Real?
In Chapters 6 and 7, Dr. Cloud examines character and who is deserving of our energy. While Chapter 7 offers a wealth of information, we’ll focus on just the essential aspects from Chapter 6:
Requirements for Real Hope
- The Past as the best predictor of the future
- Signs that someone will change
- Adding new knowledge
- Having sufficient energy for change
The Past as the Best Predictor of the Future
We understand the idea that the past often predicts the future. But this is an important reflection point. Think about a situation or relationship that’s been troubling you.
What does this situation or relationship look like a year from now?
If nothing changes a year from now, you may be holding on to false hope. It might be time to embrace reality and let go.
Signs That Someone Will Change
What if you’ve been hoping someone will change? Will they ever? Is there hope? Dr. Cloud shares the following factors that there is reasonable hope, and tomorrow will be any different from today:
Nine factors by Dr. Henry Cloud
- Verifiable involvement in a proven change process
- Additional structure
- Monitoring systems
- New experience and skills
- Self-sustaining motivation
- Admission of need
- The presence of support
- Skilled help
- Some prior or current success
Dr. Cloud dives into a lot more detail and examples for each, but we’ll instead take a moment to reflect:
Who in your life—personal or professional—have you been hoping will change?
Based on the factors above, what objective hope is there that this person will change?
Adding new Knowledge
When a project is stuck, we adjust time, resources, or scope. In life, we have a similar lever: knowledge. Adding new knowledge can offer us real, objective hope and open the path forward.
In what personal or professional situations could you make progress by adding new knowledge?
Sufficient Energy
Change requires movement, and movement demands energy. According to Dr. Cloud, this energy needs to be applied at the right time and in the right amount.
The key is figuring out the right dose of energy for your specific situation.
Need help figuring that out? I’d love to work through it with you. Feel free to reach out for your free coaching consultation.
This week, we’ve covered a lot:
Recap
- The power of facing reality to motivate action
- How hopelessness can be a tool for progress
- Distinguishing between real and false hope
Next week we’ll focus on
A deeper dive into Creating Urgency and Motivation
With gratitude, Renate
Written with ❤️ in Chiang Mai 🇹🇭